How to be happily not married at 30

It’s not about “marriage” so much as it is about the men who want to marry you, and why.

Every boyfriend I’ve had — all of them “high quality suitors” who were good-hearted, made good money, or both — has wanted to marry me.

Most of them who told me just a few months into dating that they wholly intended to get married — and continued to remind me of this during the entire tenure of our relationship.

Most women would swoon — because that’s the goal, isn’t it? Marriage — but I don’t.

The issue is: they just want the idea of me. They want possession and the security of “someone like me” in their life.

I know this because:

  1. That’s all it can be just a few months in. They don’t even know me at that point — we’ve never traveled together, cried together; I’ve never confessed my biggest aspirations or fears. They just want to marry me without actually getting to know me —and that’s not love.
  2. That’s all it is when I ask them years later why they love me, and their first answer is, “because you’re beautiful.” Full stop. (Because, all romantic notions to the contrary, “beauty” is not love.)

I actually have nothing against marriage — I would marry for real love in a heartbeat. But I refuse to marry a man who loves the idea of me, or me on the surface, or “me” in some partial form or possession. And so far that’s all they’ve been.

Too often, we make “love” into something violent — either submission or subjugation; a power play and ploy for personal interests. And if that’s the way it’s gonna be, I ain’t wanna play.

I’d sooner be alone and happy than legally tethered to someone who says big phrases like “marry me” when all he really means is “I want to make you — or rather the ‘you’ as I see it — all mine.”

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