TL;DR — themselves.
Going out to get food or drink alone
Going to restaurants alone. Going to bars alone. Going grocery shopping — alone.
I really and truly don’t understand why so many women struggle with some or all of these things.
Like, how are you even living your life if you can’t feed yourself on your own? Terrified to go out to eat and uncomfortable grocery shopping ? Srsly, I love you, but how are you eating? Do you phone a friend each time you’re hungry?
Two friends I was talking to recently both said they won’t go to bars by themselves, because it’s “weird” for women. They don’t think girls “do.”
And I’m just like, what. Because I’m a girl, and I do. When I was a consultant who traveled ~100% of the time, we all did, and many of us were women. So… there’s that, so it’s obviously not 100% true. Get over it.
But more importantly: believing that you can’t go to a bar or restaurant alone as a woman in this day and age is as bad as believing you couldn’t go to a city park as a woman alone like, what, 100 years ago? You want to subscribe to that model? Go for it.
But the reality is that you actually can feed yourself, or buy yourself a damn drink, without being chaperoned. You can even travel alone, move to a new city alone, buy a house alone, or run a company — alone. Eating and drinking are basic human functions — mere child’s play. You’re really fine with pretending you can’t do those things for yourself?
The sky won’t come crashing down, and your ladylike virtue will not go up in flames.
Going to do anything else alone
You wanna see a movie, go see the movie. Go shopping, go to the gym, go to that art gallery — whatever you want. You do not need anybody’s permission, and you certainly do not need the buddy system.
If you can’t go out in public with yourself, you’ve got a serious self-love and comfort-in-your-own-skin problem to address.
You’re a grown-ass woman, my darling.
Flirting with someone you didn’t know was taken
Dude. This shit is on the other person, not you.
I was recently listening to a podcast episode titled “The Most Embarrassing [Bar] Story Ever.” And I was like, “wow, most embarrassing ever? This is gonna be interesting!” I mean, it’s gotta at least be actually embarrassing, to say the least, right??
In it, the two podcast hosts (both women) told the story of how they’d gone out together and approached a group of dudes at a bar. Apparently one of them hit it off with one of them; cue extended small talk and initial chemistry and potential sparks.
Until Mr. Could-Be Right bounces to the bathroom, and his (Mr. Do-Gooder but shitty wingman) bro turns to our two lead ladies and says, “uh, he has a girlfriend.”
While retelling this story to their listeners, one of them mourned, “we looked dumb.”
And like, girl… No.
You didn’t look anything except socially-acceptable; two normal-ass women out to meet some dudes, responding appropriately to conversational green lights. You didn’t look dumb. Homeboy looked dumb. You only picked up what he was putting down; he was the one laying out bullshit.
Being stood up
When I first realized people feel embarrassed when they are stood up, I was like, “Wait. What?”
Because, like, holy fucking shit — are you also someone who blames rape victims? In the words of Ethan from Something Borrowed, “I can’t take this ‘daddy beats me because he loves me’ excuse.”
If I’m stood up, you want to know how “embarrassed” I feel? Zero fucking percent. You want to know who I think should feel embarrassed? The other person. 100%.
This includes dates, interviews, and anything in between.
If I feel anything, it’s irritation. I wasted my time, and I don’t like that.
But in the realm of karma, my shit’s just fine — it’s their’s that’s fucked. So how, in god’s green earth, do you actually find any room to feel embarrassed about anything here? Stop.
Hokay… honey cakes, I would just like to point out:
It is not your job to always be put together for other people.
You are a human person, with imperfections. What’s even sexier than pretending otherwise and putting on airs is honesty and acceptance and comfort with yourself.
An acquaintance recently told me that she refuses to talk to dudes at the gym, because “I don’t want to talk when I’m all sweaty and stuff — that’s weird.”
No. It’s not weird. What’s “weird” is pretending that you don’t sweat — at the gym. Or avoiding someone because, god forbid, they might see it. At the gym.
Same goes for putting on full makeup to go to the grocery store (for those that do it on their own, #highfive) or whatever else.
I’ve been on first dates in jeans and flip-flops — with dudes I later dated for years, who were also the sort of suitors my mom and girlfriends later told me they were “super jealous” of me for dating.
You don’t have to be polished to perfection to get a “high quality” man.