What I’m thinking when you go soft or don’t get off

It depends a lot on how you react.

99.9% of the time / my immediate, default thought is:

“My darling, you are human. And it’s fine.”

This is simply the same courtesy I expect from you when things go awry for me — when I get tired or don’t get off; if I sneeze or need to pee; if I fart or queef or start to bleed; when I misspeak and say something like “your pussy” or “my cock” or some jumbled mix-up that makes no sense at all, because I’m a talker and I will.

No, these things aren’t sexy (definitely not!), but what’s even unsexier than unsexy side effects of sex is a partner who can’t accept his or her own humanness, or mine.

These sorts of things are going to happen because we’re both human people — we have human bodies, and sex is one of our most intimate (and vulnerable) human-body acts. Human things are going to happen. And it’s okay.

My second default thought:

“Is there anything I can do differently, more, or less?”

Because any good partner should ask. Sure, you can ask me for what you want, too, but communication is a two-way street. If there’s something you’d like to do differently, I’m happy to start that dialogue up.

But my reactions change based on how often it happens and how you react:

In order from best (green) to worst (red), here’s how my thoughts vary:


Note / hold up: what’s “infrequent” vs “frequent?” It probably varies by couple. I don’t really tally shit up or anything, but:

  • “Infrequent” is like a few times a month, or once every ten-ish times, or two, even three, times in a row if it’s still not all the time. It could even be more often than that if some of our sex is after coming home late-ish from drinking, or if we attempt a lot of quickies, or you’re trying your best to put out for me daily (or more) — whatever, we’re still (very) good.
  • “Frequent” is or feels like “every time,” “most” of the time, more than half the time, for several months in a row or a year straight, etc.

If you’re not bothered…

When it’s infrequent — awesome. Perfect. We’re both on the same page and good to go. You’re cool with your own humanness; so am I.

When it’s frequent (especially longterm) — ah nah, son. If you routinely go soft (and have been for a while) and you don’t care, this is a big problem and, to be totally frank, your continual lack of concern is very real grounds for a breakup. Physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction is an important part of a relationship, and if you expect me to come home for dinner each night, you better care about serving the occasional meal. If something’s going wrong most of the time for months on end, we’d better be making an effort to fix it. Not caring about sex is not caring about me and my needs, and baby I just ain’t down with that.

If you care in a healthy way…

i.e., problem solving without getting insecure or blaming me.

When it’s infrequent — aiight, boo.

When it’s frequent — thank you for caring enough to address this. We’re a team; what can I do to help?

If you get insecure…

When it’s infrequent —this is probably the most common situation (at least that I’ve seen.) So see my #1 default thought, 99.9% of the time:

❤ My darling, you are human. And it’s fine. ❤

I adore you far beyond your sexual prowess — I actually like you as a person, and accept that you’re a human being. I appreciate that you care so deeply about my sexual satisfaction — and monitor your own performance accordingly — and would happily take this over it being a continuous problem and you not caring, so thank you for caring so much. Please accept and internalize my care in return; we’re all good.

When it’s frequent — darling, I can only take you so far. I can compliment you until the cows come home, demonstrate patience and openness and start dialogues until we’re blue, but if none of that is helping over the long-run, then, my dear, this is less me and more you.

Note: either way, if you get cold and shut down despite my reassurance, I’m going to let you. Because ain’t nobody need positive reinforcement for that.

If you blame me

This has a shelf life.

When it’s infrequent — If there’s something you’d like me to do differently, cool; no problem. I like that you articulated what you’re into — can do.

When it’s frequent — Watch yourself, son. I am down to try most anything, care enough to change it up, and invested and humble enough to act on feedback. But if you make up a new excuse or blame me for something different each time, especially as I’m incorporating everything along the way, I am going to notice and know what you’re doing.

Which is: not taking responsibility when it’s you.

As long as we keep on keeping on

Baby, we cool. I like you, humanness and all. And I hope you do, too.

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