Oral sex is not a barometer of a good lover.
Who decided oral sex was so important?
Why is cunnilingus the measure of how “good” a partner is?
You should “never” accept “that your partner just doesn’t perform oral sex.”
From Lisbeth Salander in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo:
“Sometimes he performs cunnilingus on her. Not often enough, in my opinion.”
“Truth is, if he doesn’t think your cunt’s delicious, he’s not that into you.”
Why do people have such strong opinions regarding other people’s sex lives? As a sexually-active woman (with, you know, a vagina and an opinion on my pleasure), I disagree.
I’m neutral on receiving oral
I’ve had plenty of oral. I’ve orgasmed from oral. I’ve gotten oral from men who are great at — and love — giving oral. And I’m totally comfortable with my vagina — I think she’s lovely, and I’ve heard she smells and tastes quite nice.
But I’m still neutral AF on receiving oral.
Probably important: I orgasm from penetration. This is a really critical distinction, as I understand it, because many women don’t, which is why they need other stimulation to orgasm. If this is your sitch, I get it.
But that’s not me. So the whole thing is just… okay.
But what makes me dislike oral is when it’s not actually for me…
I don’t want oral pushed on me
For his pleasure over mine
From a random sample of dudes on why they “love” cunnilingus:
“I think it’s hot.”
“After oral, my girlfriend is always so damn nice to me.”
“It feels like more of an accomplishment.”
“It leaves me beaming with pride.”
You wanna know how many dudes said “because she loves it,” full stop? Zero.
Because they usurp the woman’s pleasure and make it theirs.
I have no chill for that. It’s not hot, and dude, it’s not about you.
Playing “good lover” — rather than *being* one
We created a gremlin monster by making oral Such A Thing: because men know it’s a measure of sexual generosity, they push it to demonstrate this — even when you don’t want it.
I once dated someone who loved going down on me — all the time, rarely wanting it in return.
Sounds great, right? It wasn’t.
Because it was about:
- His own pleasure, not mine. He fetishized it; I was just the warm body with the vag.
- Him pretending (and failing) to be a “good partner.” He knew women look for this, so did it to “earn points.” (Bc he was actually very toxic and used sex (and everything else) to manipulate.)
- Him pretending (and failing) to be “good in bed.” He was actually kind of a nightmare lover, serving his own interests while neglecting my wants— like penetration.
- Him trying to hide his “penetration-related” insecurities
- Him avoiding the actual intimacy of sex (see: not a good lover)
My body is not a tool to elevate yourself, or demonstrate your sexual prowess, or to use despite my preferences, because it pleases you.
I won’t push my partner into it
My current partner has never performed oral and doesn’t want to.
Even if I loved it, I wouldn’t force him. And even though I do it, I don’t demand the same of him.
- Making oral a tit-for-tat direct exchange is petty. And simple-minded.
- I’m not an asshole lover. I wouldn’t want him pushing my head down on him, or trying to talk me into anal, or whatever else, so I’m not going to do that to him.
- It doesn’t solve the real problem, if there is one.
Maybe he is sexist. Maybe he is selfish. Maybe he does find it gross. Maybe he’s afraid or has some other irrational concern; I don’t know.
But coercing him to go down on me doesn’t fix those issues — it’s only a Band-Aid that makes it worse, because it’s forceful, not caring.
If you think your partner is selfish or sexist, then address the mindset, not the motions.
Oral sex is not the measure of a good partner
“Good partner” is about bigger things.
My partner is a very good lover, who consistently leaves me satisfied. He puts out, has good technique, gets me off. He takes guidance, incorporates feedback, tries new things. He’s not an asshole.
But more importantly: he’s present. He’s attentive, he’s invested and unafraid to be intimate. He’s connected to the moment rather than hovering over it. He’s aware. And he cares.
He prioritizes my actual pleasure over using my body as a tool. And he gives me what I want most, which is why I don’t give a fuck whether or not he “nopes” out of what I want less.