Your issue with other girls is your own insecurity

Cool isn’t about “pretending.” It’s loving yourself enough that you just are.


I’m late to the convo so by now most of us know what “the cool girl” is. From Gone Girl:

“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want.”

Just to clarify — is it really the love of burgers and beer that make a “cool girl?”

Or does she also have to be bitter to quality as “cool?”

When it comes to being “cool,” there are 3 types of girls:

  • Those that don’t try
  • Those that try
  • Those that are

The girls pissed off about “being cool” are the ones stuck in the whirlpool of the second bullet, flailing and failing to get what they want and blaming everyone but themselves.

“If I’m not happy acting ‘cool,’ then nobody is!”

Meanwhile there are actual cool girls over here just (happily, mind you) living our lives, trying to ignore the pissy ones whining and hurling bullshit at us.

We never made this about you. You made this about you. And then you got pissed at us. But we’ve had enough, and now we’re getting up, coming over, and saying something.

You and I are gonna have a little chat.

Newsflash: you’re not cool

Because you’re not secure.


If you’re mad about a dude’s “lack of commitment,” you are not the cool girl. You never were the cool girl. If you’re hurt he doesn’t care despite your effort at being “cool,” you are tragically missing the point.

Actual cool girls don’t crave love. You are a love addict and a pursuer parading as a love avoidant and distancer. And then you’re getting shitty with us when you successfully get what we actually want only to realize — shocker —that you don’t.

That’s not our problem, sweet cheeks. You’re the one fucking up here.

Amy Dunne from Gone Girl is not cool

She is bullet #2 “pseudo-cool” so hard. She’s an insecure, self-sabotaging psycho who was anything but cool from the start.

She brought everything on herself with her listless, passive-aggressive inability to take responsibility for her incredibly ordinary problems.

“I’m a victim of my own choosing”

Any actual cool girl would be equally appalled at her. The only women who rush to celebrate her are the pseudo-cools. But gross, guys. Get it together. This girl is not an idol.

Here’s what you tragically misunderstand about real “cool girls”

  1. Love isn’t our priority. We don’t obsess over anything a dude does.
  2. We don’t pretend not to care. We actually don’t care.
  3. Because our self esteem is not based on others.
  4. Which is why dudes want us.

(1.) Love isn’t our priority

How you went through all this effort in being “the cool girl” while somehow missing this Super Fucking Important Detail literally blows my mind, but lemme explain:

Our focus in life is not love

Significant others are mere icing on the cake of our sweet badassery. We’re not anxious. We don’t analyze his every move. We’re not hung up on him committing or leaving.

We don’t care. Our life doesn’t revolve around what dudes do, and this is the biggest difference between you and us. “Love” is not our top goal.

We’ve got other shit to do.

Think Robyn from How I Met Your Mother, Charlie from High Fidelity, Miranda Priestly (or hell, even Andy) from The Devil Wears Prada, or Mattie Ross from True Grit:

“It is true, I have not married. I never had time to fool with it.”


Think Game of Thrones’ Arya Stark (especially compared to love-addict Sansa.)

Think Daenerys Targaryen, who treats marriage as a political tool, leaving stud-muffin lover Daario because:

“If I’m going to rule in Westeros, I’ll need to make alliances. The best way to make alliances is with marriage.”

Girl ain’t got time for “love.”


Think any number of badass real women who didn’t prioritize love — like Erin Brockovich or Joy Mangano. (There are films about them, too, to make it easy.)

Actual cool girls have bigger priorities.

J Law, “Joy”

(2.) We don’t *pretend* not to care. We *actually* don’t care

“It’s such an act!.. It’s a specific kind of front that you put on that nothing bothers you. That’s… bullshit.” 
“It’s completely artificial!”

For you it is. Because you’re pretending to be secure when you’re not.

But when you are secure, it’s not an act.

Here are some sarcastic pseudo-cool-girl complaints

‘I’m so chill; it’s fine if you don’t text me all day. I don’t care at all.’

Yeah, except secure girls don’t care. We sincerely don’t need to be texted every day.

“Of course it doesn’t bother me that you canceled our date for Valentine’s Day.”

It wouldn’t bother us. Valentine’s Day is stupid anyway, so the most ridiculous thing about this scenario is that we had plans to begin with.

“Yeah, sure, I’m perfectly okay that you want to keep this casual.”

You’re not. But we are.

“What if he doesn’t text back?”

“So when you text out of a need for validation, with the expectation of a response from him, he won’t reply.”

Secure girls don’t text “for validation.” That’s so damn insecure.

If he doesn’t reply? nbd. We probably won’t even notice. If we do, we won’t care. Our wellbeing doesn’t hinge on someone else’s actions.

“Make him work for it tho!”

“If you really like him, if he’s a great guy, then make him earn your attention and time. Make him work for it. He loves to work for it! Reward him for his efforts.”

Wow. 1951 called — they want their handbook back.

My attention and time are not collateral for him to “earn.” That’s just begging for manipulation and toxic love.

Time and attention are the highest-value things we all have, and they are for us to give — and stop giving — as it suits us, not “rewards” or playthings for others.

“What about your wants and needs?”

“There will come a day when you suddenly want him to recognize you have needs and wants (a commitment, a relationship, public validation of your semi-relationship…)”

No, darling. Those are your needs and wants — not ours.

I only need 2.5 things from a partner. I don’t care about anything else.

What about “what are we?”

lol. I have never, ever had the “what are we?” conversation. And yet I’ve somehow still had a slew of long-term, serious relationships. 🤔

My life doesn’t revolve around labels, and the best “boyfriend” I ever had never used one.

“Hate to break it to you but if your SO can’t commit to calling you his date/girlfriend/etc then it’s not going to last.”

Huh. That’s weird, because they’ve always been in it to win it — for years; “forever” — til I break it off.

But either way — I still don’t have my panties in a twist over “his commitment” or “it lasting.”

“Also, you’re more than likely his side chick.”

Haha, well now that would be a true feat, given that I’ve lived with all of them.


But, again — still don’t care. So long as I’m getting my needs met.

What if he leaves tho??

Boy bye.

It’s not that I wouldn’t feel bummed — I have feelings. It’s just that it wouldn’t crush me, bc my self worth isn’t tied to him. And he’s not tied to me.

(Though, tbh? Men don’t leave cool girls. Cool girls leave them.)

“You will cry to your friends and obsessively analyze what you could have done wrong, and you will be baffled because for all outward appearances you did everything right!”

Haha — no. No we will not. That’s your thing.

If homeboi wants to walk, homeboi walks. It’s no skin off my back that he moves on to greener pastures — cya; send a postcard.

“Your interest in ‘guy stuff’ is fake.”

Maybe poker or football (or for me, motorcycles and beer and scotch) or anything else “the cool girl” likes are “socially-prescribed.”

But so is everything, sweetheart.

You think you made up cupcakes and PSLs and unicorn toast all on your own? You think Pinterest and Instagram are the productions of Real Independent Thinkers?

Come off it.

You telling another woman what she can like on basis of why you think she likes it is just as bad as feminists telling feminists they can’t like girly shit. It’s just insecure women telling other women how to live their lives.

And with all due respect, sweetheart, kindly fuck off.

“You only like that stuff to impress guys.”

That’s rich coming from a love addict.

We don’t build our life around men’s feelings regarding us. We don’t care.

“You’re hiding your real thoughts and emotions.”

We’re not. I just laid them all out for you.

“You care more than you say.”

We don’t. You care more.

“You *will* eventually want more! Then what??”

No. We won’t “eventually” become emotionally-dependent on others. We won’t wake up one day needing external validation. We won’t suddenly forget how to self-love.

And we won’t “someday” think we have domain over others, and demand things like “forever” from them.

“You need a personality and a back bone.”

Haha. Ha. Yeah, we’re the ones people say this about. Especially between you and us.


“You’re going to end up heartbroken.”

Oh, sweetie. lol.

(3.) Our self esteem does not depend on others

We are completely content on our own. We are wholly self-sufficient, especially emotionally. We generate our own self esteem and self love. We don’t hang on others for it.

We are already whole. We approach other people as mutual value-add, not for grabby, needy “completion.”

(4.) Which is why dudes want us

One writer warned “cool girls:”

“You’re going to end up in the bangzone!”

First of all: I’m sorry; are you… threatening us?


Sweetheart, sit down before you hurt yourself. Because — lol — we’re not afraid of being “zoned.”

(a) We’re not angling for anything (see above.) We’re not desperate to get commitment. We’re not love-grabby.

But more importantly, as every actual cool girl knows from experience:

(b) All men want a girl who is, on some level, genuinely “cool.” The genuine cool girl never lacks for suitors.

Men don’t (just) want to bed the genuine cool girl — they want to wed the fuck out of her. Every dude I’ve dated was down to marry me. I’ve never been “bangzoned” ever, and I’m in my 30s, sister.

The girls men “bangzone” are the “crazy” ones. They keep them at arm’s length for fear they’ll get overly-attached — or act insane. No self-respecting man wants unstable, insecure, clingy, or crazy. Even when she’s pretending (poorly) to be “cool.”

Men want genuine cool. They want to put a ring on “genuine cool” so hard.

Because genuine cool is secure. And stable. And the self-sufficient girl is the one you wife.

You know this deep down, which is why you’re so bent out of shape over it.

You’ve just also learned that men don’t want whatever pseudo version you’ve put out there. That, or you’re pseudo-cool-love-addict’ing your way into relationships with undeserving men.

The solution

Emotional wellbeing isn’t about going from “pseudo-cool” to “genuine uncool” — to “live your truth,” “speak your mind, “or be “authentically insecure.”

I mean, you’ll be better off than the pseudo-cool insecure girl, but you won’t be happy.

The real fix is to move from “pseudo-cool” to “genuine cool,” by fixing your self esteem.


How to be genuine cool

It’s not a series of actions. It’s a mindset.

“You cannot truly love yourself if you are, consciously or unconsciously, chasing after Cool Girl status.”

Real cool girls don’t chase it. They just are.

It’s about building self-respect. Because if you have enough self-esteem, you don’t have to pretend not to be rocked by everything he does — you just won’t be.

It’s not external validation. It’s self-love.
It’s not “just taking it.” It’s always being willing to walk
It’s not being terrified of loneliness. It’s being happy on your own.

Build your own self-love

Never base your self-esteem on someone else’s actions.

Be outcome independent

Accept that failure and rejection are a part of life. And you only control you. You are not a victim.

Be big, not “small”

Bigger than being affected by bullshit — not small so you “allow” it.

Be nice to other girls

“I’m not like other girls.”

This is sexist and toxic AF.

We don’t go around comparing ourselves to other girls — that’s the insecure girl’s play. If anything, we wish more women were more focused on things other than SOs. They’d be much happier for it.

Never frame your decisions in terms of a partner

It’s about living your own life and letting the love chips fall where they may.

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