My brutally honest dating profile

“I’ll never get overly-attached… because I’m never really attached at all”


I don’t do online dating. But if I did, here’s how I’d lay it all out.

Could’ve otherwise been titled: “The Downside To Dating That Chill Chick”

The Good:

  • I’m attractive (I know it’s important to you and I’m upfront, so there it is)
  • I’m intelligent
  • I’m not clingy, crazy, anxious, or emotionally unstable. I don’t get pissed about stupid shit, and I fight fair.
  • I don’t need dates or flowers, and I won’t push to “define the relationship” or get a ring out of you
  • I’m remarkably unmaterialistic
  • I like sex on the reg’
  • I like beer almost as much
  • I really like working and prefer earning my own dough
  • I’m secure even without a relationship
  • I like my partners as people (and let’s be honest, not everyone does)

The Bad:

  • I’m not clingy — because I maintain emotional distance. I don’t want your “bullshit” any more than I’ll give you mine, and I won’t entertain emotional neediness in a partner for long.
  • I don’t need dates, flowers, or DTR — and I also don’t want them. I’m not here for any “feminine ideals.” I don’t do my hair. I don’t dress up. I don’t cook, bake, or knit. I’m not gonna “curl up and craft,” I ain’t gonna scrapbook shit, and you can buy your own damn throw pillows. Leave your “romance” at the door.
  • When I say I’m “remarkably unmaterialistic,” I mean you’ll literally see the same jeans and tank top more times than you can count. And idgaf.
  • I don’t just like regular sex — I expect it. (And I don’t define “regular” as “only as often as you want” or “hon, I’ve just been really busy at work.”) Dude, you better put out.
  • I drink beer pretty much daily
  • Work is my fave. Not necessarily above my partner, but definitely above leisure. I don’t “leisure” well.
  • If I don’t wanna do something, I don’t do it. Like, just for example, “listening to your sob story,” “calling you back,” “hanging out,” or “saying goodbye.” (I will Irish Goodbye my way out of most anything.) I have no issue disregarding rules, real or unstated, because rules are just the prescriptive wishes of the scared.
  • I can be brutal in my assessments and actions. (And a lot of people think this about themselves. But I’m the person people say it to.)
  • I fucking love the f-bomb
  • I’m kind of an asshole sometimes

The Ugly:

  • If shit’s not working, I walk.
  • I don’t mind bad coffee. (Day-old from a gas station? Bring it.)

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