To the dating applicant with the Snoopy cover letter

Dear Mr. Muska,

Your cover letter, résumé, and — ahem — photographs* came across my desk earlier this week, and I am reaching out on my colleague’s behalf.

We find your application interesting. (Admittedly, I found your confidence and candor (“I believe I can be that fucking guy”), promises of sexual wherewithal, and “headshots” more compelling than she did, but we both agree that you have a strong skill set. Your breadth of sentimentality and generosity was of particular note.)

As such, there are a few further questions we’d like to ask to better assess your fit for this role.

First — where do you see yourself in five years?

Your objective for this role seemed to waver between:

  • “Possibly for times in the near future”
  • “Maybe forever?!”
  • “Ethical non-monogamy,” which you “can get down with to a certain extent”
  • “Some illicit drunk sexts”
  • “Or maybe even just a hug.” Because you “would totally love a hug.”

(And understandable, Scott. Because frankly, who doesn’t?)

Any answer is fine — perhaps you aren’t considering my colleague’s company for a longterm role, which is of course increasingly becoming the new norm. We’d just like to know upfront so expectations can be set accordingly.

Can you walk us through your recent dating experience?

We thank you for chronicling your dating history as far back as kindergarten and college.

We are also interested to hear a bit more about your last 2 or 3 roles, how long you were in each one, and why they ended.

Can you tell us a bit more about your viewpoints on dating?

In particular, can you walk us through how “part- to full-time as a skirt-chaser and closet romantic” reconciles with sending “creative dick pics”?

Perhaps you could just offer a bit of clarify around your idea of “romantic?” We are a bit unclear on your definition.

What is your greatest weakness?

(Besides your soft spot for romance.)

What is your greatest strength?

If you were to sum up your skill set, ranging from back rubs to dinners, in one word, what would it be?

In your opinion, what makes a “good man?”

And, more importantly, to what extent is a “good man” simply defined in contrast to “dickheads like Mike, that shitbird,” given that Mike didn’t “cherish” my colleague in all of the ways you “believe that a good man should.”

To what extent do you view your role in a relationship as one of “cherishing caregiver?”

Much of your (very strong) skill set seems to hinge on this.

How integral is “caregiving” to your role in a relationship? And to what extent do you define “love” as “caregiving?”

Scott, are you familiar with the terms “white knighting” or “benevolent sexism?”

If so, what is your viewpoint of them?

We just want to cover our bases here.

Last question. Can you tell us about a time you overcame adversity?

Other than this application process.

Thanks so much for your time.

We receive a number of strong applicants for this role and review applications on a rolling basis. Should she like to proceed, you will hear back from my colleague shortly.

Regardless of outcome, however, we want to assure you that you seem nice. We don’t disagree that, while “not stellar,” you are probably “decent,” and average may in fact be “the new awesome.”

You seem to be — and according to your own admission, in fact are — a good guy, and we do not, apart from the aforementioned questions, foresee any major concerns that would quality as immediate deal-breakers (including your bed of choice.)

So whether it’s in my colleague’s company or elsewhere, “keep fighting the good fight.”

Ms. Gage and colleague

*In the future, we would encourage you to refrain from sending unsolicited dick pics, especially during the interview process.**

**If you insist, however, you may forward them to me directly.

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