The biggest thing we misunderstand about “love avoidants”

They don’t literally avoid love. It’s just an unfortunate term.


Most love avoidants are not actually afraid of love.

They’re not actually afraid of intimacy. It’s not connection and companionship and community that they’re running from — they want all of the good elements as much as anyone else.

They just see and define “love” differently.

The love avoidant is just more turned off by “bullshit.”

1. They hate being let down

And of course the love addict hates this too — we’re all people at the end of the day. None of us like being left high and dry, or disappointed, or heartbroken, or vulnerable to others letting us down, or standing with our dicks in our hands.

It’s just that the love addict has a higher threshold for this. They’ll take it up with their partner; they’ll combat it by doubling down. In the face of disappointment, the love avoidant folds.

It’s not that they fold in the face of love. They fold in the face of disappointment.

While the love addict combats the fear of abandonment by throwing more energy at their partner and relationship, the love avoidant throws less — they don’t avoid love; they simply have cooler energy that they dedicate elsewhere — namely, themselves.

Because the love avoidant knows the only one they can ever fully rely on themselves.

They’re afraid of being fucked with. They’re turned off by the idea of being let down. They have a lower tolerance for “fuckery” in love.

It’s not that they don’t want the rewards of love — they do. It’s just that, unlike love addicts, for the love avoidant the risks just aren’t worth the costs.

But of course they want love — they want good love, reliable love, stable, secure, solid, consistent love. And they’re willing to put in the work — as long as the work aligns with everyone taking responsibility for emotional needs, and being emotionally stable. They want something that’s secure enough to hang a hat on. Just like we all do.

2. The love avoidant also hates “clinginess.”

And part of the problem is that what the love avoidant sees as “clinginess,” the love addict defines — wrongly — as “love.”

The love avoidant defines love differently

They value self-reliance and entering relationships already whole

While the love addict struggles with codependency, and is unable to soothe their own emotional needs, often rushing to invest in partners to build “intimacy” to avoid the task of sitting with themselves.

The love avoidant soothes their own emotional needs. They don’t see “love” as an arena for being reassured, or building self-esteem. They don’t use others — or “love” — to fill gaps they should be filling themselves.

And the difference between the two is: the love avoidant (and the secure lover) expects the same thing of their partner. They want a secure, emotionally-stable partner. They do not need or seek constant reassurance or self-esteem boosts, because they are not using the relationship to get those met.

But at the end of the day, the love avoidant does want love

Just like we all do.

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