The Sexiest Thing You Can Do As A Dude

Is the same thing anybody can do


As far as everything I have seen and read and heard and felt, when it comes to straight women, our shit is consistently this:

Demonstrate emotional health

I don’t know why it’s so sexy, but it is. Possible (totally unscientific) thoughts:

  • Maybe it’s because sex is a different act for women that it is for men. Our side of the act renders us more vulnerable, so enjoying it requires that we feel safe, which requires an emotionally healthy person.
  • Maybe it’s biological and we’re getting ramped up for babies, who also need emotional health.
  • Maybe it’s social. Maybe we look for this because we’re socialized to look for it.

I think it’s because we all look for emotional health deep down. Because we do.

Just as many dudes look for emotional health as women. They just call it “not crazy.”

Which makes sense, because it’s the number one most important thing in a relationship.

The most important thing: emotional health

If you hear this and are hung up thinking “financial,” you’re missing the mark —because the most important stability is “emotional.”

This doesn’t mean you can’t have emotions; it means you’re emotionally healthy. If you do nothing else, do this.

Being emotionally healthy — secure and with strong self esteem and a sense of responsibility for your own emotions — pays dividends when it comes to sex appeal.

Just being someone who can handle his shit without whining, clinging, manipulating, blaming, seeking revenge, etc goes really, really far. And if you drop the ball here, no amount of overcompensating elsewhere will make up for it. Nothing kills it for us faster than someone who lacks emotional healthy — especially if they become an emotional burden or threat to us.

It’s not that we don’t have emotional health on our own. On the contrary, it’s because we do.

Emotional health is the number one most important thing in a relationship, and emotionally healthy people date other emotionally healthy people.

Emotional health is the most important thing in a healthy relationship — every other word (“communication,” “trust,” “kindness,” etc.) is just a manifestation of emotional health — and healthy people want to date other healthy people.

Note: “emotional health” means consistency

Fun fact: producers almost couldn’t find someone to play Noah in The Notebook, because every dude actor hated the character, accusing him of having no “arc” — or development — over the course of the story. He’s the exact same person from start to finish.

But this consistency is precisely what women want. Noah’s consistency is a major part of the appeal of the story.




Ryan Gosling is now a major heartthrob, largely due to playing Noah.

Note: be *actually* healthy — not overcompensating

Emotional health is always first — above and beyond any other markers of “stability.”

Given the choice between them, most women will pass on a dude with “markers” (nice job, money, height, nice car or big truck, ripped build, etc) if he’s emotionally unhealthy. Forced to choose, most of us will readily choose the dude with zero “markers” if he has rock-solid emotional health.

And the most important marker of stability is: be an emotionally healthy person.

And, to be clear and repeat again:

Emotional health is the number 1 task of BOTH PARTNERS, regardless of gender.

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