If We Treated Relationships Like We Do Digital Marketing

Hi can I get your email?


“Hi can I have your email address?”

Actually, I’m not even asking; I’m suggesting. Share your email with me.

No, we don’t actually know anything each other, but we can get to all that after. So, before we go any further… can I get your email?

Maybe you were looking for me (awesome — can I get your email??) but maybe you weren’t. Maybe you wandered in here by mistake, or maybe you remembered that your friend mentioned it, or maybe you saw that sign we’ve got outside. Maybe you were looking for something else entirely, but maybe you’re not looking for anything in particular — maybe what you’re looking for is just vague enough that I could fit the bill and hell, sweetheart, that’s good enough for me! Can I get your email?

Yeah, I know you’re wondering, so I’m gonna be honest: I definitely ask everyone for their email address. Mostly my strategy is to stand at the door of this place and just ask literally every single person who wanders in here for their email address —and eventually, some of them actually agree.

It’s a numbers game, you know? You understand.

Don’t get mad at me over it! “Annoying?” Heck, that’s not even fair. Everyone’s doing this. I’d be kind of a loser, “barely even trying,” if I didn’t. You understand. I just need your email.

Can I get your email?

“Come on! How about some free shit?”

How about I buy you a drink? (Actually, how about I just let you buy me one — but, like, I’ll get you a discount or something? I’ll save you 15%! Come on.)

You know what? Fine — I’ll buy you a drink! How about that? Just please hang out with me! I want so much more from you!

“You know… other people really like me”

I just want to casually let you know that tons of other people think I’m great. We talk tons. Some of us have even gotten a little serious.

Not that that means I can’t get serious with you, because I totally can. You’re different. But I know you’ll still like being reassured you’re not the only one. Other people really like me.

Don’t believe me? See for yourself! Here’s a list of great things people have to say about me. I’ll give you a minute to read through.

“Okay, maybe you weren’t interested in that — but how about this?!”

There’s so much more I have to offer!

I can see that didn’t really strike your fancy. In fact, for a second there you looked a little bored, like you were about to leave. No need — look at all this other stuff I have. Surely some of it will interest you.

“We talked one time — let’s hang out again!”

It’s been a while! Where you been??

Seriously, I have tons of new things I want to talk to you about! You and I really only scratched the surface of things I have to offer! Like, look at all this shit that’s closely related to what we talked about that one time, before.

I know time is limited. I get it.

I just hope that you understand: I want you to spend all of your time with me.

One night stand?? Not on my watch!

And it literally doesn’t cross my mind whether or not you’re still interested — or even ever really were. I just assume you are. You should be.

“Introduce me to your friend”

Which friend? I don’t care — all of them!

I mean, since we’ve hit it off, it only makes sense. I want the world to know!

I once heard that people trust their friends more than most anyone else (and certainly more than random marketers they don’t know, like yours truly!) One on one recommendations are a powerful motivator! And all I’m asking for a chance to leverage this human tendency to my own benefit.

I’ll buy you another drink — hell, I might even buy them one! — if you do. How much are your friends worth — 15%? $5? Let me know — I’m dying to meet them.

“You know, it really bums me out that you treat this like a transaction”

I want to be special to you.

And it kinda hurts my feelings — in fact, sometimes it actually pisses me off — that you can just walk in and out of this, that you’re so goddamn fickle, that I constantly have to offer you free shit just to get you to stick around!

Can I buy you another drink? Can I give something else? Please — what can I do in exchange for you and your time and attention? I want you to really fall for me — forever. This is only supposed to be a numbers game for me.

You’re one of a million faceless names to me, but I want your singular, unyielding affection. Forever. And ever and ever. And never spend your time with anyone else.

I’ll do anything at all in exchange for your undying commitment. How much is your loyalty worth? I’ll give you another discount. I’ll throw in free shipping. Please, what does it take?!

“I’m sorry to see you go.”

Wait! Can I get your email?

I’ll be in touch.

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