#5: the talker, your new best friend
1.) The person who needs you to know that they fly a lot.
I mean, they fly all the time. They’re on “x flights a week/month/year!” and they only mention this like 3 or 7 times, totally casually.
They’ve got status and you’re gonna hear about it. It’s the lowest tier you can get — that lame tier the airlines made up just to make this person feel special — but they don’t care. They live for points.
The best part is that if you also fly a lot, it’s probably more than this person, who probably actually flies less than you do. This only makes it better.
Unless you are also this person. In which case, you’ll of course need to mention it.
2.) The person who *actually* flies a lot
They do not want to talk about flying.
They don’t need to talk about points, because they clear platinum / 1K status midway through the year. And they don’t need to talk about status, because they’re already pretty well assured they’re near the top of any flight.
They are here purely to get from A to B and they’ve got this whole “flying” thing down to an art, so frankly they aren’t here to tell you about it or get you up to speed. (In fact, they’re probably here to work. Cue the laptop.)
3.) The person who’s literally never flown before
They checked in for this flight exactly 23 hours and 57 minutes ago and they’ve been at the airport ever since. They’re the first ones to board but don’t know how seat numbers work, they hit all of the buttons and yet can’t find the light, and they either stand up during takeoff or stay seated the entire flight for fear of getting up at the wrong time.
“When will we land? What gate will it be? Will I miss my connecting flight?”
It’s amazing that this person has made it this far in their life.
4.) The person who’s low-key convinced we’re all gonna die
But knows better than to say anything about it, lest they come off as a crazy person. (That, and they’ve probably popped enough Xanax to domesticate a dinosaur.) So they just silently plot their own demise and mentally map out their b-line route to the nearest door, occasionally muttering or praying out loud while clutching the arm rest.
Every time the plane actually lands, they’re convinced they’ve cheated death.
5.) The talker
You came here to make friends, did you not? Of course you did — why would anyone go out in public if not with the explicit intent of making new friends?
Plus, more importantly, they’re bored as shit on this flight and absolutely hellbent on using you to hear themselves talk and keep themselves entertained, because these codependent muppets have apparently never heard of “books” or “movies,” and also missed that developmental period in which the rest of us learned self-awareness and social cues.
Which is why they’re also fully convinced that we’re the one being rude.
One-word answer? Doesn’t faze them. Back to your book again? Oh, what are you reading? Not a big talker, huh? They’ll see about that. They need your life story; they need to share theirs.
Why would anyone do anything if not to talk?!
6.) The person irrationally pissed about the crying baby
Like, of everything going on with that baby, this person’s own incidental displeasure at the baby’s displeasure is The Most Important Thing.
Person: you are an illogical twat.
News flash: it’s a baby. Anyone who gets mad at a screaming baby is probably the same sort of person who has a melt-down when it rains. Like, sorry life didn’t rearrange itself for you. Sorry it’s an infant. Sorry it’s competing for your total lack of emotional self-management.
You know who has it bad? That baby. That baby doesn’t even know what’s going on. Maybe its ears hurt or maybe it’s something else, but babies don’t have the mental wherewithal to understand.
And you know who has it even worse? That parent. Because not only does he or she they have to deal with the screaming baby, but they have to deal with your irrational wrath as well.
The parent of a screaming baby on planes will have my heart forever and ever. You know why? Because I have had the great misfortunate of caring for tiny humans from time to time, and I know full well that those little tyrants will do anything in their power to test your limits and make you hate their (or even better, your) existence. Sometimes they’re hungry, or wet, or tired, or sick, but sometimes those little punks just scream to scream. Sometimes they just wanna be little assholes.
So, Person Who Can’t Think Beyond Irritation: may you die a slow death of screaming babies and may you endure a hell of not only being surrounded by them, but also being surrounded by a bunch of “you’s” hating you for not “making it stop.”
“But why can’t they just stay home?” You might ask?
Good question — I guess I’d ask the same of you, Person Who Can’t Handle Life Happening Around Them.
Maybe everyone who can’t manage their emotional responses to their immediate environment should stay off planes.
7.) The drinker
They’re low-key alcoholic for real and, frankly, this flight time is interrupting normal drinking hours.
Will readily explain the drink with: “what the heck, it’s __” followed by literally anything — “vacation!”, “after 3 pm!”, “after 9 am,” “Saturday!”, “$12 for a can of Miller Light!”
Loves spending $12 for cans of Miller Light.
Always wants to get two — not just one — microscopic bottles of booze. Fails to realize that when they can’t seem to get the flight attendant’s attention again, they’re being cut off.
8.) The movie watcher
Had time to download 8 full-length action films for this 2-hour flight, and yet somehow didn’t have time to grab headphones.
Or: has the volume so high it doesn’t matter.
9.) The serious sleeper
There is nothing quite so ludicrously hilarious to me as people who travel with full-size pillows. I laugh harder at these people than anyone else in the airport.
Like, are you people being serious? Did you also bring a can opener or a folding chair from home, just in case? Maybe a nice reading lamp?
What is wrong with you?
“It’s more comfortable that way.” Well, duh. You know what else is comfortable? Slippers and jammies. And I’d jokingly ask if you brought those too, but you probably did — or wish you had.
And not to mention how gross the airport is. I hope you’re washing that shit afterwards. And I don’t just mean the case.
10.) The person who lives on this plane
The sleeper may have brought a pillow, but this person brought their whole house. They have enough food to feed a small army and took their shoes off before the plane even pushed back from the gate. They’ve got a change of clothes, a personal library, and a small dog tucked under the seat in front of them. This person, it seems, has no intention of ever leaving this plane. That, or they seriously overestimated the amount of time in “2 hours.”
And then there are normal people like you and me
Because you and I are totally not on this list. We are totally normal and not weird or annoying or obnoxious or off-putting in any way. Regular class-A citizens; people above it all.
Especially if we are people who “fly a lot.”