And that’s all those “sorry, but…” texts are
People have taken up some serious arms against ghosting — crusades and cries rallying for ghosting to stop (because lol yeah that’s how that works.)
And, I guess, for good reason. Because sure, ghosting can be shitty.
But they say that they want explanations, and like… idk fam, but I’d rather just be ghosted.
tbf, I don’t take much offense to ghosting — I’m not sure if it’s ever happened to me, but I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t care if it had, and (most importantly) tbh I’d rather they say nothing at all then send me some garbage dramatic explanation like so many people say they need.
Because no thank you. Do not want.
1. You don’t need to hear someone’s sob story (“life is just hard for me right now,” etc.) Save the drama for yo mama.
2. You sure as fuck shouldn’t want their bullshitting. Which it is, because…
3. There is only one reason they aren’t pursuing you, and it’s:
They do not fucking want to date you.
This is enough in and of itself.
We don’t need anything else, especially since anything else on top of it is garbage. And sometimes I struggle to understand why others might.
“I just want an explanation”
And ain’t nobody with self respect got time for excuses.
Frankly, 2 or 3 dates in, the “reason” they give almost doesn’t matter, because it’s just lipstick on the pig of the real reason, which is:
They do not want to date you.
Period. Full stop. Anything else they say is just beating around the bush of that pure and simple fact.
But so many people seem to want one anyway, on their knees pleading, “lie to me, baby! Make me feel better.”
Like these, suggested by @vernitagreen:
“I’m really busy with work” or “I want to focus on work for now.” Bullshit.
“I’m dealing with my own shit right now” or “I’ve been caught up/in my feelings and am really not able to be there for anyone right now” or “I need to get my shit together.” Bullshit.
The reason that all of these “explanations” are lies is because
We make time for what we care about — always.
If they’re not making time for you or responding to you, it’s because they don’t want to date you. They can make any number of excuses known to man, and I’m sure some even will, but why either of you would prefer this sugar-coated bullshit to pure and simple facts of the matter is beyond me.
“I want to know if there’s someone else”
You want to hear:
“I recently got back together with my ex.”
“I’m seeing someone else.”
But who cares? Why does it matter?
If you really think you absolutely “need” to know if there’s someone else, then yes, there fucking is someone else — either someone real, right now, or someone theoretical, for whom they’re holding out.
But the only thing that matters to your universe is: it’s not you.
“I want them to accept blame and say they’re sorry”
But y tho?
Why the fuck should they apologize for two human beings not working out? Like, damn —
It’s not their fault it didn’t work.
“I really don’t wanna be that person that does this.” Yes they do. They very much so want to be That Person who moves on from a situation that isn’t working.
“Ah, I’m so sorry I didn’t respond to this [days/weeks] ago” or “I’m sorry for ghosting you a little bit”
“I’m sorry I’m such a bad texter.”
“I’m mad at myself for being a dick.”
“I’m really trying to work on it.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Look, why does anyone have to be fault here? Why does it have to be either you or them?
Nobody needs to feel like shit here.
And you certainly shouldn’t need to hear them putting themselves down or lying about feeling shame or guilt to feel good about you.
“I just want to feel better about myself, knowing it’s not me.”
Hey, at least you’re being honest. But if you spent half as much time investing in your own self esteem and generating your own reassurance as you did seeking it from others, you’d be a lot better off.
People want to hear shit like:
“Hey, I had a great time getting to know you, [but…]”
“You’re such a cool person, [but…]”
“I had such a great time getting to know you, [but…]”
“I really enjoyed getting to know you, [but…]”
“You’re totally amazing, [but…]”
You know these are bullshit, right? Because anything before “but” is bullshit.
More importantly… why do you need so desperately to hear that cliche line:
“It’s not you; it’s me”
Look, it *is* you. At least to some extent.
But it doesn’t matter whether it was you or not you. It doesn’t matter that this one single person of billions didn’t like the cut of your jib. Once someone doesn’t want to be with me, especially after a few dates, I don’t care how they evaluate or assess me. Why do you?
“But how do I know if I should wait around?”
You don’t. You don’t “wait around” if someone’s lukewarm on you.
Some people want to hear:
“I hope we can stay in touch”
“We can talk in the future.”
“I’ll hit you back if anything changes :)”
And like, y tho? If someone sent me this, they better be God’s gift to humanity or something, because I would be out so fucking fast.
“Look, I don’t need an explanation — I just want a text, yes or no”
Y tho? You already have your answer.
If they were serious about dating you, they would be. They wouldn’t be leaving you hanging.
I know most people think they just want a text saying “I’m out,” but actions speak louder than words. So if what you’re looking for is an answer to “is this still on?”, a lack of response is your “no.” And yeah, maaaybe they’re still on the fence or sort of in, but if what you want is black and white, then baby, here’s your sign:
If they wanted to date you, they would be.
It’s that simple.
“But I just want them to act like nice human beings.”
(“Is that so much to ask?!”)
Well, yes and no.
In theory, no, it’s not a lot to expect of a human being.
But also, yes, it’s a lot to ask of a human being who is not you.
You do not control other people. You only control yourself.
Worrying so much that other people who are not you are doing things you don’t like is a futile and frustrating endeavor, bound to end in nothing but heartache.
Better to accept that people are imperfect. And focus on you.
“But, feel is bad”
You — not anyone else — are in charge of your own emotions.
It’s nobody’s responsibility but yours to manage your emotions, and you shouldn’t go through life wanting people to handhold and sugar-coat to make you feel good. That’s on you, not them.
Give yourself the reassurance and esteem you crave.
Don’t accept — and definitely do not seek out — bullshit
You deserve better than being ghosted? Sure.
But you deserve better than bullshit, too.